Comments on: Any constructive comments on my little prose piece?

By: Buk (Chapped)

Buk (Chapped) — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 20:37:16 +0000

I am not fond of using adverbs to punctuate dialogue.
It bends the reader away from the character and puts them in a box.

You could trim about a third of the fat off this.
And let us get the message without so much description of it in the end.

>>>It moved me early on, but I could see every tree in the forest.
Sometimes, we want only the forest.
That’s not to say that predictable is bad; contrarily it is usually some of the better prose when done well.

By: Psycho_Mutts

Psycho_Mutts — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 20:37:16 +0000

That was beautiful. I am usually an english critic but that was wonderful. now that i see the ending its even better =D two thumbs up!!

By: HP...For your dining pleasure

HP...For your dining pleasure — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 20:37:16 +0000

Ahhh..Ahhhhh.AhhhhhhhhhCHOO

By: Prot

Prot — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 20:37:16 +0000

Ian, as always, your writing is rich, technically perfect, and full of the stuff of life, displaying an understanding of those wonderfully quirky beings we call humans.. and the many registers of love, though in this case it is love alloyed with torment, in the end self-induced, that is the final remnant of George and Elsie’s marriage. That ‘somewhere’ in the final line, so beautifully set off by em dashes, is so richly suggestive of some purgatorial torment for George that we can almost imagine that he does penance for eternity, even if we want to believe otherwise, so well have we been made to sympathize with him from the outset. Or perhaps he sits in some Aeolian realm and smiles to think of his wife’s final ‘acceptance’ of his gift of generosity, and of her final achievement of happiness. We never know, and that paradoxically is part of what makes the story so knowing, so wise in the ways of the world. This was a beautiful piece of writing. I don’t have to wait for a call from the office to know it… I’ll give it a place of honor on my top shelf tonight.

By: Andrew M

Andrew M — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 20:37:16 +0000

Now why would I kick it around?? I’m not you!! Berating someone for their effort That’s not me …That’s YOU
As far as this goes ,,,If this is yours WELL DONE Seeing this THIS is what we’ve been arguing about You taking that stick out of your @sz long enough to enjoy something So how does it feel?? Pretty good or what… I’d like to hear from you about this

By: Cilla

Cilla — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 20:37:16 +0000

It’s a bit redundant. The use of the word "had" as in "Sam had asked," and "she had said" makes the piece a bit sophomoric.

The story: I wasn’t actually moved by it much. As a matter of fact I did lose interest somewhere in the middle.

Keep writing – I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it.

EDIT: I’d like to read the edit.

By: catz

catz — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 20:37:16 +0000

I like your story very much. Thanks for sharing..

By: Dragon

Dragon — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 20:37:16 +0000

Though I agree with Buk that this could be trimmed a bit and be even more effective, I liked it…predictable, but good.

By: Miss Buns

Miss Buns — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 20:37:16 +0000

Oh dear !

You must lift your knickers and prove you’re really a man ! Goodness no, that would be rather frightful I suppose.

I was not moved in the least bit, although my maxi pad did slip a millimeter when "Elsie regarded the porcelain figure thoughtfully".

Incidentally, "had" this Hallmark tribute to desperate widows been clicked to the bin you would have spared us all due dreadful flashbacks.

Kind sir, un-tuck your penis from the binding lace and flitter off now.

Tah Tah,
Miss Buns

By: Nr. 4 at McDonald's

Nr. 4 at McDonald's — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 20:37:16 +0000

Elementary, redundant, boring as all hell.

Consider crotch tag with your uncle as a hobby and spare us this drivel.